


paint my scars and make me whole

by adverbialstarlight



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, Friendship, Gen, Platonic Relationships, Post Season 6, mention of other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 04:49:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17676776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adverbialstarlight/pseuds/adverbialstarlight
Summary: The Castle of Lions is gone and the paladins are left in space with only their lions to get them to Earth. They are all looking ahead to what's to come when they get there, but in this quiet moment, Allura is stuck in the past.





	paint my scars and make me whole

**Author's Note:**

> me, back with allurangst and some more gen shit? fuck yeah. unedited/betaed bc i have deadlined shit to write whoops but enjoy!!
> 
> title is from west coast by imagine dragons

She must have been dreaming, there was no other explanation. Allura was a strong believer in fate— in hope and love and destiny. But how could they after this had happened, why would the universe choose for this to happen? This was all just a terrible dream, one of many that had plagued Allura’s unconscious moments after the paladins had come and found her and Coran and she was faced with their current reality. In just a few moments she would awake in her sleeping chamber, the mice would be sitting beside her and her fellow paladins’ voices would be echoing from down the halls as they gathered for morning meal.

Over and over again this is what Allura told herself as she stared out the display glass of the blue lion, a myriad of stars racing past as the lions drifted. There was a part of her knew that this was all real, a strong voice that she refused to acknowledge. Things had been looking up recently, they were getting closer to defeating the Galra Empire, she was beginning to feel like she was a part of the makeshift family that was the paladins of Voltron. The Coalition had been growing and things were looking good for them.

And then they had to sacrifice the Castle of Lions.

Allura had never been overly sentimental about the ship despite having spent most of her life within its walls, though perhaps she had always just taken it for granted— she had assumed that it was and always would be a constant, that it would stay there and she’d never have to be away for long. But other than Coran and Voltron, the castle had been all Allura had left of her old life, of Altea. And in an instant, it was gone and Allura found herself aching for it to come back.

She knew it was for the greater good of the entire universe. There was nothing else that could be done. There should have been absolutely no reluctance in giving it up, for sacrificing the teleduv to mend holes in the universe. And still there was a selfish part of her that howled in grief every time she thought of it.

The Castle of Lions had not been the universe’s to take. It was her home, it was a link to her father and her home, and now it was just gone. Why did it have to be _her_ castle that was needed for it, hadn’t the universe taken enough already? It seemed not, and all Allura could do was accept it and try to move on.

And so that was what she was trying to do now, right?

The paladins had once told Allura that part of grief was anger and denial. She had not understood what that meant at the time, did not understand _why_ one would be angry or in denial, but perhaps they had been right. Perhaps this was her trying to grieve the only home she had ever known.

In the back of the cockpit Coran snored loudly, rolling over on his side and mumbling something. Allura didn’t pay it much mind, instead focusing onto the controls of the Blue Lion.

Would they remake the Castle, would they suffice with something else and pretend that it hadn’t even existed to begin with? No matter what happened though, they would never be able to go backwards, they would never get the Castle back and another piece of Allura was gone forever.

There were memories in those walls— those walls that were now nothing but more cosmic dust in a vast universe. There were joyful memories, sorrowful memories, old memories and recent ones. Memories of her family— of her mother and father and her friends from the court, ones of her new family and watching obscure movies with Coran and the paladins. If she closed her eyes she could almost see them all again, could smell that unique, inexplicable scent that always lingered in the castle and taste the small candies that always filled the crystal dish on her vanity. They had run out a long time ago now, and no one was around to refill it.

Her comms crackled to life then, and Allura startled. She hadn’t thought that anyone else would be up at this time, and despite really being a part of their space family now, she didn’t want any of the paladins to see this moment of weakness. With Haggar still out there, there was no time for weakness or being wistful and sad over something that could never be brought back. It just wasn’t practical, and what was the use of being impractical in times like these? Allura had to be strong for her team, and so she straightened her back, cleared her throat, and brought up the link.

Immediately, Hunk’s voice rang through the near silent cockpit of the Blue Lion. “Hey, Allura,” he greeted. There was nothing in his voice indicating that he was looking to get something from her, nothing urgent or frustrated. He just sounded like a normal, concerned friend checking up on one of his friends. It was a surprising but nice change.

Allura knew that he couldn’t see her but still straightened, her lips quirking up into a small smile. Of all the paladins, Hunk was unfortunately one of the ones that she knew the least and never seemed to be able to fix that. Well, not until now anyway. “Hello, Hunk,” Allura replied. “What’re you doing up? I had thought that you would be asleep by now.”

There was a muffled yawn on the other end and then a quiet laugh. “Ah, it’s nothing really. I was, uh, actually wanting to talk to you.” Hunk said it quickly, almost bashful like he was ashamed for saying it, though Allura wasn’t sure why. She had always admired his attentiveness, how he could read a person like they were a scroll laid out in front of him to analyze, how he could tell when something was wrong and when the best time to take action was, both in and out of battle.

“Oh,” she said. “Did you need something?”

“No, actually. I just… I know that the whole thing with the Castle of Lions can’t have been that great for you. I know that it was like, one of the only things you had left of Altea and now it’s kind of gone so that kind of sucks,” Hunk said. “I wanted you to know that even if I don’t really get it, I’m here if you wanna talk about it. Not that you have to, I mean, but it’s an open offer if you’d like it.”

A burst of warmth bloomed in her chest and Allura couldn’t help but smile. She hadn’t been planning to really do anything about it, to say anything, she hadn’t thought that anyone would care too much, but… “Thank you,” she said quietly, hoping that Hunk could hear just how much she meant it. “That would actually be… nice, if you are willing.”

“Of course! You’re one of us now, you know. We’re all in this space family, not just me, Lance, Pidge, Keith, and Shiro.” Hunk paused, and then, “It’s kind of weird because you’re a super cool alien princess with magical powers and all, but we do care about you a lot and can talk to me or any of us any time that you want to. It isn’t really healthy to just bottle up things like this.”

Allura glanced down at Blue’s controls and took a deep breath. “Again, thank you. I think that I’m just in shock from it right now. We’ve been on this journey for quite a while now, but I was never fully able to understand… where the war went and the casualties that came with it. And now with this, I still can’t quite believe that it’s all gone. That ship was my father and Coran’s pride and joy, it was the home of my childhood and the place of so many memories— ones from before the war with my mother and father, ones with you and the other paladins. I was taught not to be so sentimental over things like this, but it was my anchor to Altea. It was a constant that remained this entire time that I can no longer cling to. I can no longer just hide away in my room and pretend that Zarkon and Haggar are not out there, ready to destroy the universe and harm more people that I love.

“Perhaps that makes me a coward, but I don’t feel like I’m worthy or ready to face this all head on yet. I want to go back to pretending— to Coran’s terrible promotional shows and learning about your ridiculous human customs while teaching you mine and playing Monsters and Mana. My mother and I used to play it a lot whenever I was supposed to be with my tutors learning about war history and such. She was always an archer, you know.” She smiled at the memory, of how her mother had always claimed the same class and character and told Allura that she could play as her when she was older. “I just… miss them. Everything is moving so quickly that I’ve hardly had time to really think about it but now that we’re here— I don’t know.”

There was a long pause between them and Allura winced. She had been brought up in court, taught to never express her feelings so brazenly. Though Altea was a cheerful place with content subjects, it was still, like anywhere, also a place of gossip and politics. Vulnerability was fatal weakness and ceding of power and control over the situation, something that was to be avoided at all costs. It felt almost wrong somehow, like she was baring herself for everyone to say.

Except it wasn’t, she reminded herself. It was just Hunk, whom she trusted more than nearly anyone in the universe and loved like a brother. Hunk who had encouraged her to tell him this and was willing to take on this burden. She was not inconveniencing him, she was simply venting her feelings to a friend as Pidge had once called it.

Finally, Hunk said, “God, you know if we weren’t floating in space in two separate robotic lions, I would hug you so hard right now. I know that nothing will ever be able to replace what the Castle of Lions was to you, but we’ve all got your back. This is a lot of shit we’re dealing with right now and there’s not much we can do about it and it’s completely understandable that you miss Altea and the castle. You can’t avoid missing home I guess— I miss Earth too. We all do. I can’t imagine what it’s like for your entire planet to be annihilated like that but you’re doing your best right now. No one can save everything and make it all right, not alone anyway. My point is, we’ve got your back, Allura. Things are pretty difficult but we can try to help be your anchor now if you’d like. That’s what a family does— we tether each other to home, wherever or whatever that might be.”

Allura let herself fully smile this time. They chatted for a few more minutes after that until eventually Hunk decided to call it a night and get some sleep and she was left in silence again. But it wasn’t suffocating anymore, it wasn’t a mocking shadow that crowded her. It was almost tranquil— pleasant despite their current circumstances, and Allura was finally able to close her eyes again without worry that it would completely swallow her. She was still home, she now realized. Really, she had never left, only needed a small reminder.

**Author's Note:**

> ngl its weird not having my main mains in this fic but change is sometimes good and useful i guess, i hope it was alright? anyway ill be back with my kl, pallura, shatt, etc soon lol. thank you so much for reading leave a comment kudos or just click on this to make me cry and thats all bye
> 
> catch me on [twitter](https://adverbialstarlight.tumblr.com>tumblr</a>%20or%20<a%20href=)


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